It’s amazing how long I took to realize just how lacking THAT relationship had been. Perhaps I was too young and too willing; too submissive to the fact that I had aimed too much to please, caring little about my own needs. Relationships are about “give and take”, right? I’ve been hearing that phrase since I was a child but apparently all my wise advisors had somewhat failed to mention just how much I was to give and how much to take in return. So when I had found myself shadowed by him who had given so very little and demanded so much to the point where I thought I was beginning to lose myself…..I had not known the pain it was truly causing me until he had taken it ALL and I had no more to give.
Naturally…or unnaturally (depending on how composed you keep your emotions), I had found myself curled up on my sofa, a blanket tugged all the way up to my chin, a few bars of chocolate and a stomach that seemed to be quite bottomless…..and my TV on Lifetime, watching a movie I’d probably seen ten times before. I had put my phone on ‘silent’, just so I wouldn’t hear when he called to apologize (that’s IF he apologized, which he HADN’T) but ON anyways so I could the number of missed calls–there were no missed calls. Just a few text messages from my network about some holiday free-calling promotion I could care less about. It’s not as if I had anyone to call anyway…
…..The SOMEONE I used to call AND text for hours had dumped me flat on my ass–well, technically, I was the one who broke it off–for another girl who was less ‘plain’ than I was. Imagine that? The guy who you had devoted your life to for over two and a half years tells you you’re too ‘bland’ for his taste! I had been horrified, really. But the tears never came. I had taken the insult like a boss and did the bravest thing yet (I still credit myself for the strength I had shown for I have no idea where it had suddenly come from).
I’d said, ‘No hard feelings, MH. I wish you the very best in life.’ At that point, I had thought myself weak; too defeated to even manage a spicy retort.
But guess what, MH, today–and two years later–I finally feel the sweetness of victory. I find that I no longer need your apologies (hell, I’ll apologize FOR you. I had wished you well regardless of how much you had hurt me. I’d loved you, MH, but that day I had chosen to love myself MORE; so I let you go. Hurrah, for me!!
P.S- The Lifetime movie was ‘Finding Mr. Right.